butterflies

you know how when you like someone, you get butterflies in your stomach? i used to really like that feeling, but now, it's just making me sick. it's like one little butterfly was like poison or something and it's giving me the flu.

"Anticipation is killing me when
Butterflies have knives, cutting up my insides."
Automatic Loveletter

i was just listening to music, drowning in my own self-confusion, when Someday by Automatic Loveletter began. I was thinking ugh, a love song. But this line just like shouted at me. yes. yesss, this was exactly how i'm feeling.

i have a case of evil butterflies!

ok, so yesterday, my friends threw a party for my birthday, but before all the cake and singing, someone(s) happened to damper my mood. so when everyone sang to me, idk, i tried to enjoy myself, but i think everyone saw past me. i think, idk if i'm a good actor or not. i think they did, though, cause i'm pretty sure i looked like i was about to cry. so here i am, stuck in another teenage crisis.

dun tell q...

don't tell me what? oh, sorry i didn't give you the whole message.... no, i can't. i'm sorry. it's a problem; between me and someone else, and i have to respect that. i won't go ranting on to the whole world about my problems. maybe just tyler, he is like my official psychologist.

but ... idk. i don't even know what i can spill. but i think i'm starting to receive some feedback, thanks to the wonderful participation and help of my friend lina. but in my past two-ish weeks, this is what we've picked up about boys.

one: they hate repeating themselves
two: they over-think
three: they freak out about little things, too
four: these are all signs...??
five: they love a good game where they're in control

but the second they lose it, give away a hint, they freak out and chuck the controller to the tv. "WHY?! HOW COULD I F*CK UP NOW?omggg"

of course, i'm misunderstanding.

what?

ok, so maybe something happened saturday. i'm not saying i regret it; actually, i kinda liked it. but, don't tell anyone.
and that's where it all starts.

so maybe becomes definitely; like twisted to damn, that was hot. and don't tell everyone

i wish it could all go away, but then school would be so boring, everything would be quick and easy, and maybe even painless. but what would i learn without pain? so, as i ache, cause emotion is something i can't handle well -- you know that. so, as i ache, i wonder.

it's the all-too familiar question: should i stay or go?

i'd like to, for once, hear it come out of his mouth instead of just waiting, and not make a move. cause last time that happened, it didn't turn out well, i remember too clearly.

renegade

hi guys! ohhh it's been a while.

so recently my school's red cross had a bonfire event. actually it was last night, and it was amazing! like that was some of the most fun i've ever had. not just of the truth or dare thing i got. nope, can't tell you guys. but generally, i had a really awesome time. and i want to thank all my friends who were there: lena, andrew s, james, andy t, gina, jay, alex, nathan, philip, jeanette, tracey, and devon and sharon! you guys rockkkk

so here are some pictures of our bonfire, we're pretty crazy. and yeah, red cross is pretty asian!


sharon and lena


lena and i


jeanette, myself, lena, and sharon


me!

reach for your star

Just like a star across my sky
Just like an angel off the page
You have appeared to my life
Feel like I'll never be the same
Just like a song in my heart
Just like oil on my hands
Oh ...

I do love you

-like a star by corinne bailey rae

everyone can relate to this song, sometimes more than once. i've been thinking too much lately because i'm the kind of person to be lured in by my one dark memory, rather than smiling into my present. so since it's the holidays, i won't bring you down with me. but this song seems to just answer my problems perfectly.

how could i have not seen? it's so simple! :]

lip syncing in the rain

you know how everyone loves the rain? well, i don't. and not because i'm shallow, only worried about what's on my head, no i go shallower than that. i simply don't like rain because it's rain.

so.. it seems like i've been absent for some time now, about ten days? well, happy holidays, to start! i hope all your wishes come true and you enjoy your winter break. i wish i was like the majority of my classmates, and had a snow trip planned. but nope. ohh, winter break plans. okay, well i'm definitely finding time to go to jack's place. because the other day, he and i were texting casually. i ask him where and what and he says that his dad has a surprise for him and his older brother (kick-boxer! ouchh). i was thinking, 'knowing his family, he's getting a puppy' and jack texts me "we got a puppy!"

so, naturally, i am the godmother. jack got this cute little 11-week old golden lab, which i just found out is a mix, and not purebred at all. it's pure as either a golden retriever, or a labrador retriever. so, golden lab is a crossbreed. weird, huh?

anyway, enough about jack. what about ryan? he's been gone for days now, in serious pain. on friday, he visited the dentist to have his wisdom teeth pulled out. wow. what a man.

oh, i thought i'd fill you in about this sad rumor i heard. it's probably dead now, seeing as rumors have the lifespan of a fruit fly. buttt, one day jay and i decided to hop the fence and go over to his house. we hang out for about twenty minutes, then we go back to school. suddenly i hear this rumor that we like each other and we're going to hook up soon. uh, not even in his dreams! so, that rumor flies for a good day, then this other girl hears it and decides to get back at her ex, ryan, who happens to be my good friend. so, supposedly she's going to try to push jay and i together to get ryan jealous. i'm only repeating what i heard. haha. even though i know these are probably far-fetched, i can't help but have my ego a little higher. just a little. :)

said the love expert

fall out

i thought you were romeo-
the evidence laid exposed.
you were writing little notes,
repeating my favorite quotes.

but now, i pace back and forth,
deciphering thoughts needed to be sort.

i warned you before, i'm not bulletproof,
but you took a swing, and stayed aloof.
now, down from the ground, i see who you are
nothing but a scar, and a sad song for my guitar.


this poem is about falling out of love, when you realize that you're boyfriend or girlfriend is not your fantasy. you thought you saw all the signs, s/he would always be on time, and all that stuff you see on tv. but if you think about it, there's no depth to that, girls. if it's on tv, it's been done. you think you've warned him/her, "you know i wouldn't be able to handle it if you let me down," but you need to know that they don't mean to fall out before you do. all you can do is let it out, let it go, and move on. :)

i'm writing this right now because a lot of my friends are suddenly available. today. danielle broke up with robert, and harry with paulina. as i watch the flocks of girl comfort paulina, i can't help but feel sorry for harry with every stab from the words thrown around by paulina's friends. idk what to say, i'm not a total expert on love, not even close. but you know, there are always two stories, right?